Ponderings Of A Sinner

I sit in this hospital room with a mind full of thoughts. Wondering "why", "if only", "how". And then the Lord speaks to me through the words of a book, the blogging of a friend, and His own revealed Word. And all my thoughts seem to cease with their turmoil and maybe, just maybe I can gather them.

One thought=
I sit with a friend who has cancer in his lungs. He sleeps so peacefully and I can't help but just watch him breathe in and out, over and over. It makes me thankful for this time that I have with him, a sweet memory that I won't forget. Deep down inside I want to share with him the things that I've learned through my own affliction but dare I wake him when he sleeps so well? Do I dare tell him that I know of One, the same One that he knows, who will carry him through this trial just as He carries me even now. I know my precious friend knows already but maybe I was sent here this day to remind him.

Next thought=
How could I dare to think of missions when I know my own dark heart. How could I share and exhort others to lead a pure and holy life when I don't lead one myself. Then I'm reminded that being transparent might be the very tool that God uses to draw one to Him. Being transparent is so tough but necessary.

And another thought=
Why does it seem that when I have free time I don't catch up on reading or journal? I keep thinking about that book that I haven't finished, stare at it on the table, but do I pick it up and read. No. I have no excuse or answer for this thought.

The last thought I will post=
This day, Good Friday, I think of my Saviour. The One who gave Himself, willingly, to die for my sins. I know that His work is accomplished because He rose on the 3rd day. Death was conquered. Hallelujah!! He is risen! It makes my heart so full of thankfulness that I can't speak. So I type. Why does He love me so? Why does He delight in me? Oh thank You that You do love me and delight in me! Thank You for Your mercy, grace, love and peace.


So I share some of my thoughts with you, dear reader, in hopes that I will be transparent enough to encourage you, exhort you, tell you that you are not alone in this Christian walk. There are others who reflect on their sins, repent daily, worry about others (saved or not), and praise God through out the day.

Be encouraged, my friend.

Laugher and Prayer

Kids make me laugh. Period. All weekend I've been around my nieces and nephews and they have made me smile, chuckle, giggle and laugh hard more than any time before. I'm not sure what was different about this weekend except that I've been a little stressed and sad lately so maybe laughing is exactly what I need. As I think back on the past few days I still laugh out loud at the memories of sweet kiddos being locked in a bathroom stall, eating candy off a public floor, the 2 year old taking money out of my wallet and giving it to the Dairy Queen cashier, saying "chee" (cheese....she loves cheese) or the wooden sword that was made with red paint on the end to make it look like blood (only a boy would think of that).

And then there's the baby that now claps. (He holds one tiny hand still and hits it with the other hand.) Who grins at you whenever you look his way. Who has a different colored spot in his eye just like his aunt. How can a child make a sad heart a little more glad?

I was reminded this weekend that God delights in me despite my wayward heart. How can I stray from a God Who loves me so? How can I be so selfish and He be so merciful?

I heard this morning a sermon that showed me I am quite like Peter in that I have a "weapon" (his was a sword...mine are my words or my ways) that I quickly use simply because I have it, not waiting for the right time, the proper time. Weapons are not bad in and of themselves and are to be used with love. I don't always do that. I, like Peter, see an injustice or a situation that isn't going like I think it should and wield my weapon cutting another down in a way that cannot be repaired unless God intervenes. As my pastor said, we must pray ourselves up so that we don't overreact. Such sobering thoughts as I remember how I like to speak first and think later.

And it's time to start back a new week which means back to work, back to stress. Maybe I ought to pray.