The Key

Hello blog. It's been a while.





A lot has been going on in this past year, but what weighs heaviest on my mind is the diagnosis of cancer, metastisized cancer, in my dear pastor's wife.
Not only is Colleen my pastor's wife, but she's my long-time friend. A woman that is very much like my sister/aunt and has been for most of my life...long before she was my "pastor's wife". I knew her newly married, when kids where just a prayer on her lips. I saw her in the hospital with each of her four girls. I have cried and laughed along with her. I knew her when holidays were exciting because "Mark and Colleen were coming over!". She was family to us, to me. She still is.





But I struggled with the diagnosis of metastisized cancer. And I had no idea the range of emotions I would experience, or the lessons I would learn/be learning.





For me, it started with shock. You just don't know what to think, when to think.You don't know how to pray. I told myself that I was acceptant of God's will but these little spurts doubt kept creeping in. It wasn't long before I started getting angry whenever I would talk about it or think about it or pray about it. But I couldn't figure out who I was angry at, or why.

There was no way I was angry at Mark or Colleen because they bathe every decision in prayer and seek God's will for all they do. I couldn't be angry at God...or so I thought. I found myself saying that I was angry at cancer. But if you think about it, that makes no sense.




Coming to realize where my anger originated, who it was against, repentance, contentment, peace came one night at church when someone spoke of reading Pilgrim's Progress with their family.


In Pilgrim's Progress, Christian ends up in Doubting Castle which was guarded by the Giant Despair. Christian had no hope for escape and only death to look forward to. But he remembered that he had a key called Promise that he kept in his bosom and it would unlock any door.

It took remembering that small part of a book (my favorite part, might I add), to show me that I was angry at God. Angry that He would allow Colleen to have cancer. Angry that it wasn't found sooner. Angry that it had metastized. Angry that their therapies didn't work. Angry that it wasn't me even.

I was just plain mad. Completely pushing against the will of God.


Now, you ask, what does any of this have to do with doubting castle and the key of Promise.

God allowed them to go through such a valley to show me that I had locked myself in a castle of despair. My anger was nothing more than pride and it locked me into despair that went much deeper than my anger.

How did I get there? How did I get from contentment to anger so quickly? I still don't know but I'll consider it a lesson learned, a valley that has taken me back to mountains of peace.

And even more good news!!!

We too have the Key of Promise. Promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. Promises that all is for His glory and our good. Promises of healing, whether on this earth on in heaven. Promises of eternity with no diseases, including the most terrible disease of sin.

What a relief to know His will will be done and I can honestly say that's good enough for me.