Sovereignty in Sickness and Sadness

As our office comes up on the one year mark of when Dr Perry found out about his cancer, I can feel myself getting overwhelmed with sadness...because I miss him.


I was listening to a song that he liked to listen to in surgery earlier this week. It talked about getting to heaven first, waiting on the far side banks of Jordan. Kind of a bluegrass/gospel song by the Carter family. Really sweet song but sad as it reminds me of someone who's already in heaven that I miss a lot. Needless to say, I cried.
So when I got to work I was REALLY missing him and wishing he was here to talk to, pray with.



God has a way of giving me just what I need at just the right time. I sit down at work, tears still on my face, to check my emails and the short devotional that I get by email every morning messed up my pity party. God is just what I need, when I need. He's the One that comforts in sadness. He heals affliction, pain, sickness. He helps bear the cross. He is all I could ever want.

Wow. Talk about conviction as I want so desperately to see Dr Perry one more time because he was such a rock in my life, to realize that there is only One Rock. One who is greater than I. One who is greater than Dr Perry. One who can give me everything that my heart was desiring.


I had to share that with my coworkers during our devotional because I know that we're all suffering with the same type of broken heart. And then a new conviction hits me!


Someone shares a John Piper story of the sovereignty of God with the landing of the plane in the Hudson all the way to the inauguration of a new president with seemingly dark motives. If God is sovereign in the lining up of geese to fly into the two engines of plane, to the perfect belly landing in a cold Hudson River, to placing a pro-choice president over a nation, could he not be sovereign in healing the emotionally broken heart and healing the physically broken body of a sad, hurting girl? My woes seem kind of mild in comparison, don't you think. Yet He still cares. He still orchestrates all that goes on in my life.



It never ceases to amaze me as I look back and see how God works in my life.

The Gift Of Clumsiness

That's right. I've got the gift.

So I'm at work, in a room with the doctor, patient and patient's husband. I think we're done and I'm unplugging the computer to take it out in the hall with me but my doc decides on an impromptu prayer. I'm ok with that.

So I plug back up the computer and turn to walk to the others to hold hands and pray but...
I trip over the cord and fall into the husband. They all start laughing and asking if I'm ok and I pretty much just want to pray and get out of there so I mumble something unintelligable and bow my head hoping they won't see my red face that seems to be getting redder and hotter as the seconds go by.

And what does my dear doctor do?! He starts his prayer with..."Dear Lord. Thank you for laughter and light moments in times of pain..."
I considered using all my strength to sqeeze his hand that I held in our circle of prayer but he might need it in surgery tomorrow.



Why do I have the gift?! And why do I use it almost every day?!

I Think About Blogging A Lot

I'm always thinking about how I need to blog about this or that thought/occurance/funny story but never sit down and actually type it out. Wonder why that is? I'm not so busy that I can't take 15 minutes of my day to write. I think I'm just...dare I say it?...lazy.


Christmas/New Year's was wonderful. I am so thankful that my immediate family lives near (one brother is about 7 minutes down the road and the other is about 12 minutes). But even though they're near we kept the road hot, let me tell you. I'm convinced that children make holidays so much more enjoyable. I think my favorite quote was my 4 year old niece who wanted to play "Clean Santa" this year instead of "Dirty Santa". Such a doll.

I know that Christmas isn't about the material things but I got one of the best presents EVER!!! I asked for an iPod pretty much since October hoping to get some gift cards to the Apple store to go towards one. Instead, my family bought me one!!! One that holds ALL of the music I have!!

I. heart. my. iPod!!!!! Who knew I such a small item could give me such great happiness.




I have a song running through my head all day. Is that weird? I find myself randomly bursting out in song as I'm walking through the crosswalk to work, bringing stares from all in my path. Do I care? Not really.



I get a mini-devotional every morning by email and earlier this week I got one that stuck with me. It talked about holiness. That's right. Not my forte. I suppose what spoke most to me was that he (J.R.Miller) informed me that holiness begins with my thoughts.

"Unholiness is very subtle. It creeps in when we are not aware. It begins in the heart. At first it is but a thought, a moment's imagination, a passing emotion, or a desire. Hence the heart should be kept with unremitting diligence. Only pure and holy thoughts should be entertained."

I just never took holiness to that extent, thinking in such a shallow way that my actions proved holiness. Knowing deep in my heart that holiness begins so much sooner than what people see. Keeping my thoughts holy, pure....why is it so hard? Why wouldn't I want to think holy?

Oh the struggles.

Wow. It's Been A Long Time

I guess I have a lot of catching up to do. I can't believe that it's been two months since I last blogged. What in the world have I been doing?!

I think I wanted something random to do (see previous post) and finally found a few things to occupy my weekends.

-I went to Tennessee to work at a doctor's office for day and stopped by Elvis' birthplace in Tupelo, MS. It was a special time for me as I learned SO much about the obsession that people have with him. I was....by far!!!....the youngest person there. While in the gift shop, the cashier noticed that someone dropped their Elvis Presley guitar pick and knowing that "someone would really miss this", went out to the bus to find it's owner. Come on! A guitar pick?!
I joke about it but it was kind of fun to visit and learn more about the King. He DID come from a humble home and really had to work his way up to the top.

-We had our Lordship conference and I am still amazed at the men we have locally who have a love, zeal, passion for the Lord and the Gospel. They are such leaders and it was a good time for me to fellowship and really take time out of a weekend to hear God's Word. And I got to see Ben Gardner who just enough to get us really missing the whole family.

-Josh turned nine this year!!!! He is such a sweet kid and I cannot believe that it's been nine years. He had a Spongebob birthday which was pretty uneventful. Suprising for the Vaughan's since we like to have some kind of something crazy happen at our get togethers. The moonwalk didn't collapse, topple over, nor did anyone try to die as it fell in on us. The cake made it through the party in a whole piece and Joanna didn't let any balloons fly away before the party started. I'm kind of sad that it was so low key. Maybe we're starting a new trend.

-Joanna and I decided to go see the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit one weekend and it turned into a "tour of Birmingham". At first we were just going to the exhibit but saw a pink fountain of water on the way. Turns out the breast cancer walk-a-thon thing was that weekend and they dyed the water in the fountain pink. Kind of cool.

Then to the museum where we saw Leonardo himself. I made the comment that I'd never taken a picture with Leonardo before and "he" (the guy who was dressed up as Leo was character, I guess) said, "I've never had my picture taken before." Silly. The drawings were really cool and I have a new appreciation for the guy. He was borderline genius as far as I'm concerned.

Since we are rather random, we thought we'd drive around a bit, looking at buildings and stuff. We found a tiny little hot dog place and a rather decent Famous Pete's hot dog which we ate at the Vulcan.

I'd never seen Vulcan and found it to be...big. Learned a lot about Birmingham and it's beginnings, etc. Good to know I guess since I've been here over 20 years and never knew.

Not surprising, Joanna and I decided to take some silly pictures. My favorite is one of Joanna laying out on the sidewalk like she was the anatomical man (a drawing by Leo). Only Joanna would have absolutely NO shame in laying flat on the sidewalk. In public. While wedding pictures were being taken just feet away.

We saw a few other buildings that are unique to Birmingham and had a fun day just being with each other. I love my little sis!

-Went to Virginia with the parents again. This was the first time we'd been back since my grandmother passed away. Kind of different, odd to go to Virginia and there not be any grandparents to see. We have a LOT of family up there but there's something about the grandparents. I'll have to write another blog telling about the fun we had while we were up there. Only the Vaughan girls can find ridiculous things to do.

So my life has been fun, not necessarily busy, but enjoyable.

I still miss Dr Perry. Horribly. It's hard to believe that he's gone. Just the other day I thought about something I wanted to share with him and it hit me like a punch in the chest that he wasn't there to talk to. I know he's in heaven and I'll see him again one day but...

And that's my update. Hopefully I won't let so much time pass before my next one.

In A Rut

Ok. So I haven't blogged in a while because there has been absolutely nothing exciting to even blog about. My life has been caught up in working until 6:30-7:00 at night, answering emails and falling asleep while typing. If that doesn't scream excitement, I don't know what does.

I have decided though, that I'm going to find something fun and random to do. I'm just not sure what yet, so....any ideas?





Let me tell you about the precious phone call I got today from my 2 year old niece.

Me: Hello.
Niece: Hey Su-Su.
Me: Hey Maddie!!!! What are you doing?
Niece: I home. I un oo Su-Su ca. (I want to go in Su-Su's car)

So then Mommy gets on the phone. I'm picking Maddie up within 10 minutes and she goes with me to eat with a friend. How in the world could I say no to such a sweet request?! We talked, sang a little and had a marvelous time.






I really need something to do if I'm now transcribing phone conversations.

Help me.

One Topic To The Next

Have you ever looked back on a few days and wondered why did I do that? I've worked some long hours this week and really haven't had time to do anything, read anything or even pray. I've just been too exhausted. And because I haven't read, prayed or slept like I needed to, it makes the fight against sin a lot harder.




Do you have a particular sin that you just keep repeating over and over and over? You know it's wrong. You do it anyway.

And why? You know you're just going to feel guilty and beg forgiveness. But it's like the temptation is just too strong. My pastor calls these "pet sins". Sins that we just can't give up because they're too precious to us. Why can't God be that precious to me?

And what's even more amazing than the fact that I don't learn after about a million times of doing wrong is that my heart is convicted, I run to God for forgiveness and He grants me forgiveness. All those million times. Now if that's not grace amazing and mercy overflowing then I'm not sure what is. I was so upset over my selfishness and God's mercy that I wrote a poem. A poem to express my distress. To show my black heart and God's overwhelming love. The kind of deep love that's underneath me, all around me.

When I was younger I used to write poems all the time. I found that I could express myself better in poetry than just words on paper. I rarely showed those poems to anyone and probably couldn't even find them now. In fact, I probably don't want to find them because they're rather juvenile. But there's something about a outlet to express.


Anyway. Back to my original thought.
How can God forgive me all those times knowing I'm going to fall again? Soon. He is so long-suffering with me. I don't understand. But I do appreciate it. Maybe THIS time I'll have learned my lesson. Maybe THIS time I will throw off that pet sin and replace it with Christ.

I hope so. I pray so.




And some silly things from today:
-Heels can make you feel pretty and girly...especially if they're pink.
-I like spending time with my family and I sure do miss them when they're gone.
-The beach is calling me. (Danielle...I might be coming your way!)
-I lost my crochet needle.
-Politics wear me out.
-Some people will talk to ANYBODY. (Joanna and I stopped to get a bite to eat at the cafeteria at Watermark and this guy was talking to anybody and everybody. I learned that he drag races for a living. He owned a restaurant called Shut Up and Eat. He has someone else running that restaurant and is living off the interest alone. He thinks Joanna and I are twins. He loves shrimp.)





I'm supposed to be running to practice for a marathon that Stacey and I are doing in a few years. Have I even walked? Absolutely not. So I decided that I'm going to walk/run at least 3 times a week for starters.

I mean it.




And finally. Do you have a person in your life that you share things with and they always had a different perspective than anyone else? And it was always a good thing. Like you could get the same answer out of 20 people and this person would say the same thing but with different words, in a different way and it would be the decision maker or breaker.

I am just amazed, thankful, blessed for the people God puts in my life.

Life

Do you ever feel like life is too complicated? I'm struggling with this issue of living in the world but not like the world. It's not as easy as it sounds. I work at an OBGYN office and though we're a Christian office there are a lot of patients that aren't. Surprisingly, I hear all kinds of language, crudeness and stories that would make you blush and yet I have to be professional. How can I filter through the bad and pick out what needs to be addressed? These women aren't coming to us for a sermon but for health care. At what point do I say..enough!
Drinking adult beverages in public. Does a stranger assume that because I am holding a beer or a glass of wine in my hand that I'm a sot? I don't have a problem with drinking in moderation but if I drink in public am I giving off a different impression?
How about secular music. There are so many songs out that are encouraging, uplifting, even spiritual sounding but if the artist is an atheist or a womanizer hooked on drugs and alcohol am I endorsing them by enjoying and buying their music?


Disclaimer:*I randomly chose three topics. I am not picking on one issue over another nor am I thinking about anyone in particular when I write about these things*


These are all tough questions and I have to be careful to not be a legalist when I address these issues in my heart. I want to be a light in this dark world. I want others to see me and see that there's something different about me, something peaceful. I want to be out and about enjoying good music, enjoying a glass of wine, working at my job but show forth Christ in my life. I speak out but sometimes I wonder if I speak out enough. Am I living my life differently than the world?

As I'm out in the world I really need to pray that God would show me wisdom in each situation. That He would use me to pull out the good and throw away the bad in everything I do. I want to love my patients and be bold in saying that I don't want to hear the unnecessary. I want to be able to enjoy that adult beverage while showing moderation. I want to love the beautiful song and speak up against the writer/artist who does not acknowledge his Creator.



I just don't know how to do that. Any thoughts? Any suggestions?


And then I wonder if it's possible to please everybody. I'm sure there are some who would be offended that I listen to the radio. And some would never drink in public but wouldn't mind it in the privacy of their own home. Some wouldn't listen to the patient because of her foul mouth and never get to the root of her problem. I don't want to be this person. Instead of being worried about what people are thinking, I want to be worried about what God thinks of me. Yet I have a reputation to uphold and others are watching. People watch more than you think.

Am I all over the place with these thoughts? Are they making sense to anybody?


I just need to pray that God would guide me, show me what I'm supposed to say, when I supposed to say it. I pray for conviction when I'm wrong and discernment to pick through the filth of this world and pull out what was meant for good. I pray for understanding for those are around me and boldness to speak up for truth. I pray for wisdom.



Does anybody else struggle with these things?